


I Don't Mind

by madelinewrites



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, but like, like a chill angst, not crying angst, slight angst, slight heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 04:30:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10983417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madelinewrites/pseuds/madelinewrites
Summary: Dean wants nothing more than to live with Y/N forever, but the idea of bringing her into his lifestyle is sickening. The more time he spends around her, though, the more he questions his strength to say a permanent goodbye.





	I Don't Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Pairing: Dean x Reader
> 
> Prompt: Sugar We’re Going Down by Fall Out Boy for Bev’s Song Challenge
> 
> Summary: Dean wants nothing more than to live with Y/N forever, but the idea of bringing her into his lifestyle is sickening. The more time he spends around her, though, the more he questions his strength to say a permanent goodbye. 
> 
> Word Count: 2122
> 
> Warnings: slight angst, not super sad, heartbreak but its fixed 
> 
> A/N: This is from Dean’s POV, something I quite like. It’s been a while since I’ve posted, school has kind of swamped me with work, but I’ll try to post as much as possible! As always….FEEDBACK IS LOVED AND AAADOOOREDDDD!! (just dooo it, even if its just a like, it helps more than you know)

**“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” _―[Neil Gaiman](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.goodreads.com%2Fauthor%2Fshow%2F1221698.Neil_Gaiman&t=MWFlMDc3NzdhMDQzODUxZDJjMTAyOWI5OGE4ZTFhYWZjODA0YjFlZiw2V3R4ZmY3OQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AluPKBkHePrWFoEVtGkY0Lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fdeansleather.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F149863454682%2Fi-dont-mind&m=1), [The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.goodreads.com%2Fwork%2Fquotes%2F2647&t=NzZjZmU3ZDRmZThkZDA2ODBkNjI1Njk3NWQ0MmJlMjQzZGQ1ODRjNSw2V3R4ZmY3OQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AluPKBkHePrWFoEVtGkY0Lg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fdeansleather.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F149863454682%2Fi-dont-mind&m=1)_**

I could feel how much of an asshole she thought I was.

           It almost emanated off her, like she could hardly stand my mere presence. I could hardly blame her, the smirk on my face was so exaggerated it almost hurt. I had to win this round though; how many times was I going to go out of my way to check for any “monsters” in her town? How many times was I going to have to embellish a story in the newspaper so Sam didn’t suspect what I was really coming for? There were monsters and demons and evil to kill, I couldn’t be going out of my way to some little town to see some random girl. At least, those words sounded really good in my head and when they came out of my mouth but not so much when they hit her like a brick.

           “Some random girl, huh? Alright Dean,” Y/N said, playing nonchalant, but the edge in her voice was palpable. “You go with that. Let me know if the one-night-stand lifestyle welcomes you back.”

           I rose my hand to try and stop her door from closing in my face, but it was slammed before I could even graze the surface. I stared at it for a moment, a parallel to our first night, when my stomach was almost sick with the idea of trying to impress the beautiful girl from the library. It wasn’t butterflies that were plaguing me this time though, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It wasn’t just my stomach, it was my chest, my legs, my throat; everything seemed to tighten. My eyes traced the wood of her door for what felt like hours, a scratch right above the doorknob from when she drunkenly tried to unlock her door while looking at me. Her “WELCOME” door mat seemed too bright for how I felt, crushed flower petals stuck on it after following her from her garden. I looked around her little porch, the white bench held up by two chains that I always swung too hard on, at least she said so. It was strange, the sensation of saying goodbye, as it had become the closest thing I had to a home since I was four. A demon had burnt down my first home, and there I was, letting my demons burn down another one.

           I took lazy steps down the stairs of her porch, my movement slow as my eyes glazed over. I flopped down into my car seat, placing a hand over my heart. _What the hell?_ I knew cheeseburgers weren’t the healthiest thing in the world, but it still seemed a little early for a heart attack. With one final look to her place, I shifted the car and drove off to the hotel I’d left Sam asleep at. I just needed to forget about it, let it drop like I should have done after the first night.

_~~~~6 Months Later~~~~~_

The hotel room was quiet except for the occasional creak of the building’s structure. Another dilapidated hotel; gray sheets, cold room, empty space beside me in the bed. I used to sleep in the middle of my beds. Used to.

This particular hotel had huge windows, the nicest thing in the entire place. We had left the curtains open the night before, Sammy and I looking out at the stars after finishing off our hunt. He had teased me about the little town finally having an actual case, not just another fake like all those other times I dragged him there. I smiled. I felt like vomiting.

The light coming in woke me up, the sun streaming through the branches reminding me of waking up in her house. Her. I couldn’t even _think_ her name. She had been nothing but a pronoun and glimpses of memory for the past six months; it was the only way for me to breathe. I imagined waking up in her bed, the smell of her coffee wafting throughout the house, her blankets cuddling me in from every direction. I would be able to hear her downstairs, dishes clinking and food sizzling, and then her soft footsteps as she made her way back to me, tray of food for us to share in hand. Lying in that hotel, I wondered if she was making herself breakfast right then, or if she felt the difficulty of doing much of anything anymore like I did.

Six months. I knew a lot could happen in six months, my relatively young life felt like a million lifetimes jam-packed into one, yet it seemed like the last months had changed me more than ever before. Knowing that if I got up and began driving, that I’d reach her house before Sam would wake up, was so tempting. So tempting, in fact, that I couldn’t deny it.

As I drove, I couldn’t believe what I was doing. The whole point was to stay away, get Y/N away from the world I had gotten her too acquainted with just by being around her. She was soft and kind and bright and too good for this god forsaken world, and the thought of dragging her into hunting made me feel as disgusting as the monsters I slay.

           Yet, there I was, just like so many times before, sitting in my impala in front of her house, contemplating my next move. I could just leave, no damage had been done yet, she wouldn’t even know I was there. It seemed like the best option, but my feet carried me up her porch anyway.

           It wasn’t till I reached her door that I saw it; another car parked sloppily next to hers, a big black truck. My hand stopped mid-knock as I gawked at it. My stomach was in knots, the worst of the worst possibilities rushing through my mind. Quietly, I crouched so I could see beneath her living room curtains, trying to get a peek at who else may be inside. I fell back at the sight.

           My breathing was labored, my head hitting the back of her porch railing. I heard rustling inside and bolted for my car, my wheels squeaking as I peeled off her road. I could hear my heart thumping, and I pulled into an empty gas station parking lot and sat, blinking profusely as I tried to calm my breathing, the vision of what I saw replaying over and over…

           Y/N tangled up with another man on her couch, empty beers all over the coffee table. It wasn’t even the beer she liked, but there was no way all those bottles were just from the guy. I barely peeked in, yet I saw every detail of him. He looked strong, dumb, but strong. He could probably protect her. My head fell back against my headrest as I felt the water start to stream down my face.

           He was just some normal guy, truck, beers, cocky face. Probably had some normal job with some normal income, comfortable and cozy and never worrying about death until he’s seventy. I closed my eyes tightly, feeling as my stomach flipped. In that moment, I would’ve done anything to be him. He wasn’t great, he sure as hell wasn’t good enough for Y/N, but he was normal, safe. She could marry that guy if she wanted, have some kids. She’d never have to worry about the monsters he used to kill coming back to haunt him.

           Finally, I was able to get my bearings, rubbing harshly at my eyes as I pulled out of the gas station, driving slowly towards the rest of my life, without her.

~~~

           I sat at the bar, waiting for Sam to finish up his research for the next hunt. He said he wanted to be fully equipped this time around instead of rushing in blindly. Yeah, right. It was a great plan till something came along to screw it up. I just wanted out of the god forsaken town.

           I swirled around the whisky in my glass before chugging it, slamming it back down as a silent plea for more. The bartender quickly filled my request, handing me my fourth shot. I gave them a fake smile, but it was gone before I could register how insincere it truly was. Something was hurting, but I couldn’t point to it on my body. It just hurt. Sam had noticed, but I couldn’t bring myself to explain it to him. He’d understand, hell, he’d get it more than anyone else in this world, but I could barely even think about what I saw, let alone put it in words. It seemed too final.

           “Hey, Y/N,” the bartender said, waving at the door. I sat up poker straight, the blood rushing from my face. I stared intensely at my drink, the sound of her name sending shivers all up and down my body. What were the odds. Maybe she wouldn’t see me. Maybe she was with that guy.

           “Hello, Dean,” Y/N’s voice rang softly, her hand gently landing on my back. I attempted pulling my lips back, showing some teeth, feigning pleasantness.

           “Hi, Y/N.” She sat in the chair beside me and I closed my eyes, wishing that she’d just go away.

           “You know,” she said, waving at the bartender for a drink. “I don’t need to see you to know what your car sounds like.”

           My breathing stopped, my head whirling to face her. She smirked, shrugging as she ordered the same drink as me. I just gawked at her, unsure what to say. So she knew that I knew. I tried to analyze her expression but she just sipped her drink, looking at me with doe-eyes.

           I looked back to my glass, shifting in my seat as I cleared my throat.

“So, you’ve been doing good, I take it?” I finally managed to croak. She snickered, shaking her head as she looked away from me.

“You’re the one who left, Dean.”

“I know I am.”

She looked to me, a slight sheen on her eyes. “Then why’re you back?”

I was taken aback by the crack in her voice, turning on my chair to face her as she leaned on the bar.

“A hunt,” I murmured. She nodded.

“I never minded, you know,” she said after a while. “The whole hunting thing. I always found it quite…noble.”

           “Dangerous,” I cut in, an edge to my voice. “You’re looking for dangerous. And life-ruining. And tragic.”

           “I’m not saying I think it’s easy,” she rebutted. “I didn’t expect for your job to have benefits and health insurance; I’m just saying I was willing to work with it. I am willing.”

           I swallowed, the feeling of her eyes on me making me feel shaky. It’d been so long. She smelled so good, her outfit hugging her sweetly. I missed her, every single thing that she consisted of.

           “You shouldn’t have to,” I grunted, looking away. “No one’s worth that. You deserve to live a good life, white picket fence, the whole deal. Be with that other guy, Y/N. I’d rather that than you dying and it be my fault.”

           “So what, I die when I’m eighty after a long unhappy life or I risk the _chance_ of not getting such a long run but being happy with you? Yeah, I pick the ladder.”

           I finally looked in her eyes, feeling my lip shake slightly. “You don’t mean that.”

           She scooched closer, her leg brushing up against mine, her lips so close I could feel the heat emanating off them.

           “Oh,” she murmured. “But I do.”

           I shook my head, but still I took her face in my hands and let our lips collide. Having her with me again after all that time, I couldn’t imagine having to say another goodbye, best interest in mind or not. Her hands tangled in my hair, her lips needy and taste sweet, I couldn’t let her go again. This was quickly clear to me.

           We had to pull away to breathe after a moment, a content smile on her lips as she laughed softly.

           “Mmm,” she hummed. “Whisky.”

           I laughed, full and true, unlike I had in months. “You made me think I was gonna have to get a truck to be with you, I needed to take the edge off.”

           “Oh shut up,” she said, rolling her eyes as she smiled into another kiss. We stayed like that for a while, in the quiet bar corner, making up for lost time. I knew no hunter’s life ended in happily ever after, but I figured if we were going to try it, we were gonna go down swinging.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is also found at: http://deansleather.tumblr.com/post/149863454682/i-dont-mind
> 
> Overall blog (feel free to follow or strike up conversation!): http://deansleather.tumblr.com/


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